This sounds a lot like some affected or disconnected rambling but I hope to record some heartfelt thoughts about disrobing. Power - the power to live, to be authentic, to fulfill the personal direction and path we all come into being to fulfill, that comes from inside the other side, the dimension/realm within. When one side of the skin takes more energy than the other there is imbalance. I have carried too much weight for too long on one side of the skin - without sustenance it drained me until I can carry it no more - so I have set the dhamma shield aside. Little wisp of fabric was sooo heavy. There needs to be a team to help carry it, this realm does not have that, rather than struggling with it anymore I let it go. Now I wander free without that shield between me and the world. It's just me now. It is such a relief. I felt for so long like I was trying to breath thru a straw at the bottom of a pond. Sensei is amazingly strong and like her first buddhist name- Jusan, is a mountain. I can't keep that up anymore. I needed a bigger ordained community to sustain the ordination, and didn't find one that was beneficial in a direct way. The ordained Sangha offered more of a backhanded benefit whenever I could come into contact with them, more of an example of what not to do. I can't sustain something that won't sustain me, anymore. It has been over ten years since I began my journey into Buddhism. I found two treasures, but the third eludes me, at least the ideal does - if there is a nurturing spiritual Buddhist community I was not able to find it. I felt like Sensei and I were shunned and like stray dogs we starved on the fringes of the community. There were no kind people in that village who would welcome us. It is much easier to shake off the dust of that town and leave. I remain Sensei's Noble Friend and companion, member of Great Determination Buddhist Sangha, a contemplative and respectful student of the Buddha and explorer of the Dhamma. Sensei remains an ordained Bhikkhuni and stalwart mystic.
This may be only temporary. I need a break and can take one freely. The silver lining of being rejected by the fundamentalists is not having any need for their approval or permission. We stand on the outside and are now delighted by having wept at the doors never having them opened in pity, today realizing it was like weeping to be let into the Alamo or 1984 and not being allowed in. I acknowledge it is a thought experiment like self hypnosis, it allows me to free up stagnant Qi. It's all in my own mind anyway - like Eleanor Roosevelt said: "You wouldn't worry so much about what other folk thought if you realized how seldom they did." No one cares, and that is great, no one should, we really are dreaming alone, the trick is to realize that and figure out what that means we can do and what 'we' really means. Very woowoo, Kim, very woowoo.