today

I have been listening to a lot of Abraham Hicks lately...this morning I woke thinking of chin-ups, and building another wall in the desert- nothing metaphorical- the actual filling the wheelbarrow, moving the dirt, filling the bags, tamping the bags, over and over again. I began to feel the strength I get from that, the uplifting and the lyrics came to me: "When you are lost you can call and we will find you, time after time." The virtue of being in the moment, being in this body, being one with source, appreciating the beauty I can see, source loves that. I love that. I think we all have a pattern in every cell that is our link to source, our essential way of being, and we can each find our way to back to that even after it seems lost, after it seems we have chased it away for good, we can still find it. Reminds me of the Xtian verse: thou shalt not take my name in vain - a promise, not a prohibition. Ask and you will receive. When you are lost you can call and we will find you, time after time. What a lovely thing.

one month later

the relief and then the buoyancy of disrobing have been pleasant. Not too surprisingly the spiritual aspects of life have lifted up and bobbed about happily since the cloud of religion has vanished. I am blessed to be among quite spiritual, kind and insightful people at Emperor's College - who are not ordained, and they are inspiring. There is no one standing at the gate to enlightenment demanding ordination papers for admission - and I am attaining more light by having released the resistance created by the robes and their association with non helpful thoughts. Ah, the sweet fresh air of non association!

power from within

This sounds a lot like some affected or disconnected rambling but I hope to record some heartfelt thoughts about disrobing. Power - the power to live, to be authentic, to fulfill the personal direction and path we all come into being to fulfill, that comes from inside the other side, the dimension/realm within. When one side of the skin takes more energy than the other there is imbalance. I have carried too much weight for too long on one side of the skin - without sustenance it drained me until I can carry it no more - so I have set the dhamma shield aside. Little wisp of fabric was sooo heavy. There needs to be a team to help carry it, this realm does not have that, rather than struggling with it anymore I let it go. Now I wander free without that shield between me and the world. It's just me now. It is such a relief. I felt for so long like I was trying to breath thru a straw at the bottom of a pond. Sensei is amazingly strong and like her first buddhist name- Jusan, is a mountain. I can't keep that up anymore. I needed a bigger ordained community to sustain the ordination, and didn't find one that was beneficial in a direct way. The ordained Sangha offered more of a backhanded benefit whenever I could come into contact with them, more of an example of what not to do. I can't sustain something that won't sustain me, anymore. It has been over ten years since I began my journey into Buddhism. I found two treasures, but the third eludes me, at least the ideal does - if there is a nurturing spiritual Buddhist community I was not able to find it. I felt like Sensei and I were shunned and like stray dogs we starved on the fringes of the community. There were no kind people in that village who would welcome us.  It is much easier to shake off the dust of that town and leave. I remain Sensei's Noble Friend and companion, member of Great Determination Buddhist Sangha, a contemplative and respectful student of the Buddha and explorer of the Dhamma. Sensei remains an ordained Bhikkhuni and stalwart mystic.

This may be only temporary. I need a break and can take one freely. The silver lining of being rejected by the fundamentalists is not having any need for their approval or permission. We stand on the outside and are now delighted by having wept at the doors never having them opened in pity, today realizing it was like weeping to be let into the Alamo or 1984 and not being allowed in. I acknowledge it is a thought experiment like self hypnosis, it allows me to free up stagnant Qi. It's all in my own mind anyway - like Eleanor Roosevelt said: "You wouldn't worry so much about what other folk thought if you realized how seldom they did." No one cares, and that is great, no one should, we really are dreaming alone, the trick is to realize that and figure out what that means we can do and what 'we' really means. Very woowoo, Kim, very woowoo.

traumatic events reaction and review

When a great many are injured or killed there is a mass reaction in pack mentality, when one is personally attacked and hurt there is more likely to be that split second of quietude to consider - what all is going on. Pauley Perrette recently showed us an enlightened reaction to pain and fear - even in the midst of an assault she had the presence of mind to view her attacker as a human being, to relate to him as a person. If we could do that for the mass attacks as well we could stop the violence of imperialism and rebellion. Turning the other cheek is a very deep teaching that is so seldom embraced, it is frightening, and vulnerable, to not respond with like minded aggression. But this is what the Buddha taught in so many ways, it is the essence of Dhamma, the practice of letting go. The path to that is often compassion meditation, but it can come about in many ways. Embracing emptiness and holding to the four brahma viharas is effective, but in a more prosaic vein keep your eyes in your own ballpark. If we get caught up in stories from other lives we are not tending our own gardens and they will benefit no one. If we spread ripples of kindness here and now, we make more difference than we know.

God is in the Neurons revisited

This wonderful video is still on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2baCg8SHGM
and is worth seeing again. We are gradually changing our paradigm, and what a joy it is.

Rituals

I was reading an article about the benefits of ritual in daily life and started to discuss it with Sensei. She said for her, being raised as she was - a preacher’s kid, every day and every moment is spiritual and she recalls the many discussions she had with her father and many other spiritual leaders about the division between the mundane and the spiritual. For her there is no need for ritual, everyday acts are rituals. Putting on her socks and shoes is a ritual.

That level of mindfulness is likely why I am with her. I want that level of attentiveness to daily life. That is very exciting and uplifting to me. I don’t get there but a few minutes every day. That feels like all I can handle - all I have the energy for. But how invigorating and powerful that is. Those few moments are the time I live for, what I spend the rest of the day gathering energy for. Gathering energy thru the persistent repetition of the practice, by coming back to the breath, to mindfulness, by substitution of a kind thought for a mean one, by dropping the train of thinking, by recalling the wisdom of the Dhamma.

If another tool is a ritual I can use that too. Sensei avoids traditional ritual because it is abused and even detrimental at times, but I like structure like that. Getting up and walking the dog in the morning is a ritual for me. I am a committed member of the Church of Dog. Doing a qigong routine before a test or giving an acupuncture treatment could be considered a ritual. But I never think of those as rituals because both are terrific exercises not empty wishes. I guess I have to rethink ritual and see traditional rituals as more than rote prescriptions. They could have a deeper impact.

OTOH, as Sensei says they didn't work for her family at all. Sitting down to family dinners? Did that, but didn't get the benefits they were supposed to bring. Prayer before and reading a passage after was a very ritualized part of her childhood but certainly didn't have the effects described in the article. This is why I love Sensei so much. Her critical thinking skills - she sees right into the matter at hand. So ritual is fine - but don't make a big deal of it. As soon as it becomes necessary it is toxic.

confusion is clear

"Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes.  Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes." ~Alan Watts

That sounds so appealing (no pun intended) it is no wonder confusion abounds. Sensei teaches us to watch the mind while peeling potatoes or anything else we are doing - right now even, what is the mind doing, is it just reading or is it also distracted by other things, does it maintain a story/sensation of pleasure, irritation, sadness or a to-do-list? Can you feel the effort of that?

For Sensei's students we know that just peeling the potatoes means being aware of what the mind is doing while we go about the activities of daily living. This provides us a seatbelt of sorts when the unexpected arises, we already have the practice of awareness so we can make a choice of how we would like to respond to events, of how we interact with life. 

Then the sensory perception of what it is like peeling potatoes can be enjoyed and relished for the miracles it represents without grasping or holding onto the experience. Life becomes a series of adventures.